Monster Spider

The Spider VS The Canadians

My most recent Facebook status reads:

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” Lacey Chyz: Would like to give a medal to the hero who just killed the spider the size of a CD case for Kelly and I. OH MY FRICKEN LANTA, may be having heart complications right now!! “

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Here is the play-by-play of what has just happened, caution: not for the faint of heart.

I was just finishing up my last blog post about my first night out in Lilongwe when I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. It is a monster spider with  dangerous disgusting legs longer than the space bar on my keyboard, lurking under the side table just two feet away from me.

I just flipped! I quickly set my macbook aside and jumped to stand on the couch. My roommate at first is laughing because we killed a spider yesterday then she stands up to see it and realizes exactly what we are dealing with here.

We freak out together for a few minutes before we decide we’re going to try and drop something on it because it is too big to kill with a shoe. So we get out a hard cover book from the desk and I line it up and I drop it and the hideous thing just scurries towards me under the chair!

We quickly decide to hell with this! It is one thing to try and kill a spider but we do not know which ones are poisonous, this one is FUCKING HUGE like the size of a CD case and I am shaking so terribly, if I didn’t get it the first time I definitely wasn’t going to the second time… so I leap off the couch and toward the door which is just a couple of feet behind me, but we locked it and here you have to lock/unlock everything with a key so I now have to bolt through the house to find the keys, closing our bedroom doors along the way.

I get the keys, I get outside, and I begin wandering around our compound in the dark looking for a guard who can maybe help us or at least identify the spider. There are large frogs hopping around and my overactive imagination is not enjoying being under all the trees that are so beautiful in the day time and so daunting at night.

Thankfully this one Malawian man (who I don’t think even works here) volunteers to help because he did answer “yes” when I asked him if Malawi had any dangerous spiders… he comes to our place and I show him the monster still under the furniture and he just very calmly grabs his flip flop and starts trying to kill it.

It took him at least ten swings, this thing was fast! With each swift smack the spider danced and dashed through our living room like it owned the place and then it jumped. OMG the FUCKING THING JUMPED, right close to my roommate and onto the coffee table leg. I nearly died. I actually thought my heart was going to pound right out of my  chest and out the door as I stood there (now in the kitchen on a chair) too terrified to move my legs, just flailing my arms and shaking my hands like a big baby.

The Malawian man just calmly crouches down beside it. Then the spider crawls down the coffee table, back across the floor, smack, and onto our fucking arm chair, smack, then it buries into the cushions. OMG, the monster spider is in our furniture!! Well the hero from the compound lifts the seat cushions, Kelly is squirming in her chair, I cannot see what is going on but I am still flailing from the kitchen.  Then finally our Malawian man got it, he saved the day, he is a true hero!

AND he didn’t even laugh at us, he was just very kind and took it and disposed of it’s freakishly cruciatus cursed mangled lifeless body, and left.

It looked like this with a slightly smaller body

It looked like this with a slightly smaller body

For all my friends home in Canada who are going to complain about the cold this winter, please be thankful that our spiders do not grow this big. Our harsh winters kill them off before they can become monsters. I am trying to tell myself people here have been living in near-peace with these spiders for centuries but it is hardly a comfort right now.

Well, I guess two blog posts in one night is enough, I  have to start scoping out my bedroom for bugs before I go to bed tonight. Wish me luck, pray for me, do what you got to do but if it’s only day 5 and this is what I’ve found… yeeesh!!

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11 Responses to Monster Spider

  1. Monique Wagner says:

    That post was very entertaining hahaha. Thank goodness for kind strangers.

  2. Gloria says:

    Sorry but did have to laugh. So descriptive, I can just see it in my mind!!! Hope it was a one time thing!

    • laceychyz says:

      I did my best to really paint a picture, my roommate and I also laughed when we read it and weren’t living it. Glad yo make your day Gloria! Thanks for reading.

  3. lisa says:

    loving this blog lacey….thank you for a morning laugh! i’m glad the Canadians won this time.

    • laceychyz says:

      I believe we should keep track of the score against nature and the elements while we are away haha glad you enjoyed the read Lisa and I sincerely hope you and Cathy don’t have to worry about anything like that in Uganda.

  4. Derek Neumann says:

    I have watch the same reactions from my wife Cindy on much much smaller spiders!!! Lacey do not fear the size of this spider….. Fear the ones that rearrange the furniture on you during the night. If your tables and chairs have not been moved then they are happy with you and will leave you alone!!!

  5. Barryd says:

    I had a dream about a long legged spider, much darker looking, but thanks for the imaginative dream, and the morning laugh as well.

  6. Gail Cote says:

    Funny story Lacey, thanks for finishing off my day with a laugh

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